Friday, March 19, 2010

Number 50 post

Well today was a blue one for me. The sun was out and the day went fine, But I wasn't fine. I am not sick or depressed just not motivated to do anything. This is the 50th posting on this blog. I am surprised I have made it this far. Tonight we are to get rain and it is to turn to snow. The only good thing about this time will be it won't last to long. It should melt by the next day. I sat today and thought about a lot of things. My weight my lack of initiative and basic laziness. I guess life has caught up with me and I am not prepaired to accept the reality that is here. I have cut back on my food intake and I need to get out and walk. Easier said then done. I make myself do my house chores in the morning and then I find myself getting tired and I sit down and never get back up to do anything. Yes I am being hard on myself to the point I really don't like myself right now. I vowed a few years ago I wouldn't get to this weight and here I am. Well I am trying, but it isn't easy when you sooth your upsets in life with food. Have you ever found yourself at the fridge and you don't know why? You are just there. Well that is me. I am trying something that is hard to do. The minute I find myself there I walk to the back door and stare out to see the daylight and the birds flying around. I guess I am trying to escape my troubles. My husband is better but depressed and he isn't handling the outcome of his surgery and what he is going to face the rest of his life. I try to stay positive, but I am a realist. It is what it is and it don't get any better. Permanent frown lines are forming and I hate it. I didn't ask for this hand that was dealt me and I don't want to play this game anymore. But I signed up to be married and I am in it for the long haul. Jeff always said in kidding that he was going to retire when he was 50 years old. Well the fun began when he was 52. Heart attack, Parkinsons, dementia among other things to numerous to mention. He is 60 now and just about didn't make it that far. He can't swallow and his life was slipping away. He is 6'4" tall and weighed 109lbs. Now he has a feeding tube and he is up to 118lbs. Not much of a life stuck to a machine to eat. I guess I ate for him. Sad excuse, but now I feel guilty because I am so overweight and he can't put on weight. I am going to get up tomorrow and try to think better of the situation an see if I can find a project to keep me busy. Chris

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