Right or wrong here I go with a confession

This may end my blogging. I know no one wants to hear everyone else's problems, but I have no network of listeners other than you. Sorry if I drag you down, but I need to voice my frustrations.

As you have read I am a caregiver of my husband who has several things wrong with him. Parkinson's disease is the main issue. Dementia goes hand in hand with this disease and the person I married is changing again. We went through a spell of being lost while driving. We remedied that with he drives no more. I was working and he would call and say I don't know where I am. Scary and yet he was on the right road just didn't recognize it. This happened about 10 years ago and since then he lets me drive and gave up his license.

Now the physical part is showing up with not being able to swallow food and almost two years of constantly hooked to a machine to pump liquid food in his stomach. He can swallow now, but there are days he doesn't want to eat. The meds he is on is an appetite suppressant and he doesn't feel hungry. Wish I could say the same thing. I am obese and it is from stress eating. Working on that also.

Now the change we are going through a spell now where he is obsessed with getting things done right now. It is part of the Dementia again. Then he doesn't want to stop to eat. From the time he gets up until he goes to bed he is on the go. He takes breaks and some days just can't go anymore. He gets light headed and dizzy and it is low blood sugar, but we don't stop. His mood switches rapidly.

Ok enough about him. It has taken some of my life away from me because I am so afraid to leave and he will get into a situation where he collapses. I use to take my Mother to go shopping at quilt shops, but we haven't been in months. I can't burden her with all the stress so I keep it to myself many times. Yes we have kids, but they are working and have their own problems. Some more than others.

I have tried not always well to stay upbeat and yet it is overtaking me and the feeling of suffocation is overwhelming at the moment. Every time there is something emotional on TV I cry. I wake up in a lot of pain from being overweight and the effort to take it off is set back on the back burner. I have read enough and have thought this through enough that I know I need to do something for me. Yes ME! But the truth is this is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done.

My husband and I have been together for 25 years and we have never and I mean never gone on a vacation together or slept in beds other than our own. Not that I didn't want to, but the effects of the Parkinson's was somewhat evident when I married him that many years ago. He is a home body and to go someplace is a hard thing for him to do.

I use to travel some and I use to go places by myself before husband and kids. Now I am afraid of what I will come home to. He looks good to look at him, but his actions are becoming more strange. Parkinson's is a disease that reacts differently on different people. The shaking is common, but the mental part of it is different.

My relax time has been to get up in the morning and sew. But one of the issues with weight loss is the sleep factor. I sleep on the average 5-7 hours a night and it is up and down. I can sit up for over an hour and then go back to bed and not sleep for another hour. Part of it is not knowing what the next day will bring and part of it is the arthritis I am feeling. Being over weight is no fun. I was eating to hide my lack of ability to handle the stress. I have lost about 12 pounds and it goes up and down, but the want to eat more is killing me. My comfort zone was to eat. Now I don't have that and it is hard to find something to replace the negative feelings I have.

You weren't ready for all this were you. But how many more of us are facing similar things. Maybe not as stressful as mine, but we all experience things that cause stress. Paying bills, facing the doctor, dealing with aging parents, kids and grandkids. Now who can deal with this all themselves. Yes I have faith and yes I do question my faith and try and be a better person. Then when I think I get a handle on something a new dilemma shows it's ugly head.

I made a vow to myself that with weight an issue in my family I wouldn't allow this to happen to me. Well guess what I wasn't strong enough to overcome the demons.

Now my thoughts are that I have been hiding and I need to come out of the closet. I need help, but the help I get will have to come from outside my immediate surroundings. I need to get into the sewing room more and also find something that makes me escape from my dungeon of stress. I know that isn't going to happen easily and yet I have to convince myself I can find a little corner of comfort and relaxation that doesn't include food. Walking would be a good thing but the arthritis is so bad it is not a fun time.

My goal is to loose some more weight and then maybe the joints won't scream so loudly at me when I make the exercise effort. I plan on not boring you with every pound I loose, but I maybe will be more absent at times. I need new clothes and I refuse to buy a size larger than what I am wearing. As I said this is a confession and don't feel sorry for me. I have done this to myself.

No the health issues of my husband are not my fault but the abuse of myself is my problem. Plus if any one else is going through something like this take care of yourself. Depression and blame are a big factor that only a caregiver can understand. Take a bubble bath, take a walk, do some sewing, clean a dresser drawer don't let things get in your way and ruin your life along with the stress you feel. I was warned to not let my health go and look at me now. Shame on me. Chris